Oral Presentation (max 20 mins including Q&A) National Men's Health Gathering 2025

Feeling Disengaged: It’s Not You, It’s Me (122393)

Matthew G Lewin 1
  1. Timber Therapy, Stafford, QUEENSLAND, Australia

Feeling Disengaged? It’s Not You, It’s Me: Reframing Male Engagement in Therapy

“You’ll be lucky if he stays for five minutes.”
This is a phrase I regularly hear from professionals working with boys and men.

But what if their disengagement isn’t the problem, what if the issue is your approach?

At Timber Therapy, where I used woodwork as an engagement strategy and therapeutic tool, I’ve consistently found that even the most resistant boys, men, and fathers will engage meaningfully in therapy when I meet them where they are. Whether they’re navigating anxiety, depression, parenting challenges, professional stress or they're involved in youth justice and child protection systems, the key is not trying to get them to talk, it's learning how they communicate and connect.

This presentation explores practical, evidence-informed strategies for engaging male clients, with three key takeaways:

  • Knowledge: Be a Learn-It-All, Not a Know-It-All
    Be careful of top-down approaches. Instead of prescribing advice, join them in their world, whether that’s through shared interests or goal-focused dialogue. Research highlights that relational equity, mutual respect, and activity-based engagement increase male participation (Robertson et al., 2015).
  • Language: Words That Work
    The way we speak matters. Phrases like “tell me how you feel” may carry stigma or imply weakness. Using more accessible language like "What have you been carrying lately" or "what were you experiencing" lowers emotional defensiveness and builds psychological safety (Addis & Mahalik, 2003).
  • Action: Give Them Something to Take Away
    Men and boys often value therapy when it feels practical and purposeful. Providing actionable tools, practical strategy, or small wins at each session creates momentum and allows them to take something away, reinforcing the value of showing up (Seidler et al., 2018).

This session reframes engagement as a responsibility of the practitioner not a deficit in the client. When we attune to how boys, men and fathers show up, speak, and seek connection, we stop asking why they won’t engage and start asking how we can meet them better. Because sometimes, when men disengage, it’s not them, it’s us.

  1. Robertson, S., Gough, B., Hanna, E., Raine, G., Robinson, M., Seims, A., & White, A. (2018). Successful mental health promotion with men: the evidence from ‘tacit knowledge’. Health Promotion International, 33(2), 334-344.
  2. Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5–14. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.58.1.5
  3. Seidler, Z. E., Rice, S. M., Oliffe, J. L., Fogarty, A. S., & Dhillon, H. M. (2018). Men in and out of treatment for depression: Strategies for improved engagement. Australian Psychologist, 53(5), 405-415.